WHEN I first heard of the celebration of Thanksgiving Day I was seized with an irresistible desire to contribute to the festivities. Pondering over this subject, a thought struck me that a most appropriate exercise on such an occasion would be a botanical lecture; for such a lecture will not only produce in the time of its duration that state of somnolence called solemnity, but when finished give a lively feeling of satisfaction that can only be compared to the internal bliss felt by a pointer who has been whipped through a course of education and is conscious of the fact that there is a vacation of twenty-four hours till the next spinal irritation.

The object of this botanical lecture is the pumpkin, and its position, according to the

natural system, adopted by our most gra cious Sire. The lecture will be contained in two parts. The first will be so scientific that none of you will understand it; the sec ond, which is the most interesting, so profound that it is not understood by myself.

The pumpkin belongs to the natural order of Cucurbitaceae, a family of doubtful affinities. According to the immortal Linnæus, who invented the sexual system (for before him we all propagated by generatio equivoca), the Cucurbitaceae belong to the order Monacia. This name is derived from monos, single, and oicos, house, and means two beds in one house-an arrangement somewhat favorable to matrimonial bliss.

The pumpkin also belongs to the Phanerogams, which propagate, according to a well-established law, without any mystery or secret relations. Not so the Cryptogams, whose ways are dark, arbitrary, and without the rule of an established law. They have different modes. The first of

them is by division, as, for instance, the bacteria; that is, an individual splits in two, each of the halves in a minute's time being ready for a new division. For example, if our most gracious Sire would adopt this method of propagation, in the time of five minutes this hall would contain thirty-two Sires, and in an hour the Pacific Coast would swarm with Sires, a circumstance that would benefit immensely the Bohemian Club, but would be a serious calamity to the medical profession.

It is not my intention to mention all the different methods of cryptogamic propagation, for I always have striven to protect the morals of our organization. I will only refer here to the higher Cryptogams, that are no more a mere compound of cells, but possess spiral vessels, vessels that open by a spiral corresponding to the spiral arrangement called by us "corkscrew." These plants possess alternating generations, an arrangement called dimorphisms, from two Greek words-di, double, and

morphy, which means an Irishman; for all great scientific discoveries have been made by the Irish nation, with the sole exception of the conifers, which were discovered by the conic section of the Hebrew race. In regard to the systematical position of the pumpkin, I think the place assigned to it by our most gracious Sire is the most honorable it can ever occupy.